at nang matapos ang C2

"Regret is always in the end.."

And so they say.

I won't dawdle anymore.. just wanna write to my blog before I get a sleep..[late na rito.. may early class pa ko tom]

I had just finished my C2 exams. I had one hour and a half to answer 10 questions with a + b + c + d +....+ 'n' in it. It took me 1 hour and 15 minutes and i-did-not-bother-to-know-anymore seconds to finished answering the test paper. I don't usually skip any questions even if i don't know the answer but on that time, I did. I tried to answer the last 2 questions which were worth of 20 points but I really didn't have a clue on what to write or how to solve it. Reason? I did not finished revising the last 3 chapters of the C2 book. I didn't have any clue at all, honestly. First time, I think, I experienced to do something that I didn't have any idea at all.At all.

My verdict to the test? The test was partly easy. And to the geniuses around me, I think it was just a breeze. I thought I could get an A, even A*, but thanks to the last two questions, I am now worrying of even getting a passing grade. If I will get a C, I'll be up on the clouds. That's how I see my status right now.. heheh. I cannot ask God to give me an A now, can I? He does miracles, all right, but for me, I think we have to deserve them before we can get one. God is good and kind.. He is a loving father so He will not, ever, allow His children to just get what they want without working hard and learning real from it. This is my opinion.

So do I have regrets? Regretting that I did something not really worthwhile instead of revising the last 3 chapters? As of now, I can honestly say 'No.' I don't know if I will feel that way when I receive the results one month from now. Maybe yes. Maybe still no. I prefer the latter. I don't really want to regret anything. Feeling ko kase, tinatanggihan ko ang mga biyaya na ipinagkakaloob Niya sa akin. And I don't like it. I also don't want to blame. As long as I can, I don't want to blame anything or anyone if things just didn't went right, the way I wanted them to be, or the way I planned. Of course, I can get really disappointed, but I cannot change the past..We should just have to learn from it. And try to be truly glad and contented in the present and also try to do some more mistakes.^^ And use the things we learned in the near future to make our future brighter [waahhh... sobrang idealist ako ano..] Well, ganon talaga weh. The key word is learn. And be thankful He has given that oppurtunity to us. That is all there is to it. Right?

I hope after a month, when my C2 fate is revealed, I still have this wonderful feeling..

oh yeah, before i forgot, ill try to change it. HA! if ever that C2 will make me sad, ill make sure my remaining subjects are going to cheer me up. <> ^_^

at nang makapag-isip-isip ang bata.. ^^

"Nakokonsensya ako.."



I've been thinking again after hours of posting my last blog. I am feeling that I am ignoring again to be really thankful of God's blessings He is pouring everyday into my life. How can I say this? It is for the fact na dapat ay ikukuwento ko yung magandang nangyari sa akin last Wednesday ASAP. As in next to that blog STAT. But I didn't. Parang nabigo ko na naman tuloy Siya, un ang feeling ko. So sana, okay pang ihabol to bago ko magblog leave ulet for the end-of-the-school-year exams..



Okay, [breathe and concentrate first, feeling happy now]



Yun nga. I went to an assessment and interview for a college here near our area. Eventhough I was not that confident at all and I knew that my chance for getting a place is like 5%, I still gathered my guts and showed up. Why? It is for the reason I badly need to transfer to that college. My current college is too far [travel time by train is almost one hour plus another half hour by the bus.. lucky me kung wala pang traffic yun! ^^'] and if ever I can get a place to this college I am applying to, well, my travel time will be only 30 mins MAX! Just imagine the extra time I will get if ever. Plus my travel fee will be just half cuz I don't need the expensive train fee anymore. All of those plus the other advantages I won't mention anymore is depending in that late afternoon interview.



Problem: I know my chances were too small. I was not confident.



Reasons for lack of confidence:

1. I felt like[and btw still feel] didn't learn anything at all this year and a high score in the assessment was badly needed. You'll know why soon. So if I can, I have to prove to the assessors, or at least ^_^' pretend that I am a genius..


2. I am currently doing A-Levels. I am currently in my first year and for those who aren't familiar with the UK Ed. System, A-Level is a two-year level. AS and A2. To sum it up, it is really difficult to transfer to another college when you are at this level because of the many complicated reasons. I'll give you the major 2: different examination boards[highly likely your current one won't match to another college] and of course, the 'loyalty' aspect. The college's priority is their own students. Me?probably will be on the waiting list? waahh..
3. Just like last year, I don't have any reference at all. Why? I need my current teacher to be my reference and I cannot and am not stupid enough to ask my teacher to do a reference for me because I am planning to transfer to another college. No, no, no. Trying to picture it in my mind.. nOOO!!
4. Continuation of no.3.. If it was difficult last year to apply to AS year without any reference at all [I understand, they were just skeptical and wanted the best for their college], then this time, it will be waaaaayyyyy difficult than the last year. Maaannn...
5. etc. etc..

Why did I still show up?

Reason for my courage and guts:

HIM

I trust His plans always. I don't want to question His plans for me and I won't ever, ever [ill give not my best but my all] do ask Him why things are happening that way. Maybe there were a couple of times I tried to answer the reasons for the situation I was in, but still I didn't hate them. Those were the times that I realized I was the one who was not doing her best and therefore, the one that was lacking... reminding me the next time to do my very best. See. We lose but still, He's always giving prizes. For me, they were the lessons He carefully designed to treat my battle wounds.

So back to the 'courage and guts' issue. Of course, if I believe in Him, I need to do my part, too. Believing, I believe, is not enough. We need to take our actions, too. He'll pull His miracles, yes. But we need to fight for them, too. To prove ourselves to Him we are somehow worthy of the miracles, little or great.

That's why, however small my chance is, I did show up. With a smile. I was nervous and kinda losing confidence but I did my best, I believe. I just spoke to Him in my mind, if He's going to give this to me, I will be very thankful. If not, still thankful and understand that maybe, He still wants me to learn some things in my current school. Experiences and all.

4:00 pm Left the house a bit early.

4:31 pm arrived at the interview a bit early, waited for my turn [I was last..heheh]

4:45 pm did the assesment,

5:20 pm answered the interviewer's questions [feeling ko bibitayin na nila ako sa dami ng tanong],

5:40 waited again for the results.

5:48 ..

Finally, He answered. I got the place. Thank God! [so elated, happily singing while walking, crossing the road, not feeling any worry at all though running late at my Maths evening class.

Before going to sleep and after expressing eternal gratitude for His mercy, last thought: definitely have to share this to my blog first thing tomorrow..

Today

surf the net.read a quote. thought it would take long to elaborate the good news posted in the previous blog.attacked by laziness.posted questions instead.log out.shutted down pc.late at night turned it on again.

'Nakokonsensya ako..'

at isang blog question

I was kinda reading net stories [dunno if they're true-to-life or just fiction] this noon when i encountered a quote saying 'you don't have to wait for the right time or any time to tell someone you love him/her. cuz maybe, just maybe, there will be no next time at all.' I don't know why but I paused for a while and digested those sentences. Then questions were formed inside my mind which I am going to ask you now..

• what if you are not sure? Is it really love if you are holding back?
• do we really need to tell someone that we love them if we are not letting anything to happen after that..? eventhough we know that it won't make any difference at all?
• lastly, i will repeat the second question.. DO WE REALLY NEED TO TELL HIM/HER???

Well, it's just that, for me, i thought my idea was NO. I mean, sometimes, we don't have to. cuz sometimes, we are just being selfish by doing so. But i dunno now. When I read that quote, somehow, it made me doubt my answer to that. Aarrrggghhh... what a drag.. I am now thinking things a bit too much. Maybe I was knocked off by that last sentence.. and finally, last question swirling my thoughts: What are we going to do if we decided to tell them finally and there is really no next time this time?!? Aarrrggghhh!! what a drag quote..

at the time i am back on track, so thankful!!

:D i am back at last! and something good happened! Indeed, Big J is showering me blessings these past few days.. can't wait for the sad part.. hehehhe.. well, whtever it will be, it's definitely worth it. hmmm.. just blab the details next post.. for the meantime, just updating that i am really happy!

MOOD: SOOOO GLAD!!


^______________^

Away Mode:

waahh.. dito ko ngaun net cafe, tsira pc namen..

so idle muna .. heeehh miss ko na agad blog ko.. heheh..


at ngaun ko narerealize kung gano na ko nagiging adek sa pc.. hay...

well, another lesson learned..


pero magawa na sana .. heheheh

seeya guyz

ohayou!! murneng!!

just woke up.. wondering what's today's surprises will be.. mood: Being thankful to God for another life, another chance He gave..


isMayL tayong lahat. :D

'Balanga'

'Ano yun, Balanga?'

Missing you that time..

I called our friend and chatted for a while. Then she told me she's going to our 'tambayan'. I wished I could go with her but that is so 'miles away'. We are miles away from each other.. and i couldn't, cannot do anything about that. The phone was passed into our tropa's hands.. except yours. I told them i don't want to talk to you, to avoid issues reliving themselves.. we're already past beyond that.. i don't want to disturb that so-called 'peace' we already established.

I left you several times, yes. But u also did without knowing.. More times than I did. So maybe, what we have now is the better, the best. giving me this thought a tap. 'what we realy need is the best but the best is not always what we really want'. Human nature. Sometimes, i just want to do whatever makes me happy.. thank God He's doing His best to wake me up in every moment I am being selfish. I know u understand me, that's why eventhough u said u didn't want to, u still let me go. I thought I let you go first, but when the moment u did let go, I was hurt that I wanted to cry. I did manage not to shed those tears, I laughed, but still I was hurting inside.

Getting over you? Yeah, congratulate me for that, 'hoy' After these years, I did. Thanks to the distance we have now.

'O gusto ka raw kausapin. Ibibigay ko ha?' said our tropa's Ate.

'Oy wag, may masabi na naman sila jan. Wag ganon. Saka na lang siguro.' I replied.

But she didn't hear me cuz she was already talking to you and the next thing I knew, I was already curious of what I've heard from her.

'Bakit ayaw mo kausapin? Kunwari pa to!' that's what she said referring to you.

'Huh? Ayaw mo rin ako kausapin? Why?' Those are the questions I asked in my mind. Our friends were excited talking to me, telling me the latest happenings..news.. lovelifes.. even rumours.. but I couldn't understand all of them anymore. My mind was already occupied. Of you.

Phone card was expired. Sudden urge to call again and ask. But hell, no.

That was 2 days ago.

'Ano yun, Balanga??'

Called again today. For the first time in almost 2 years without communication, I heard your voice. Not talking to me, but just in the background. Felt my heart skipped a beat. Heard its beat growing loud. Ptsk. I am back to square one. Wondering if I ever was really over you. Found myself smiling.. playing that 3-word sentence from you inside my mind, over and over again, without me wanting to. Guess I am really pathetic huh?

Missing you this time.

i am wondering now if i really stop missing you.. maybe yes, maybe no.

Getting over you? Guess the answer will have to wait til I see you again, huh?

'Ja matta ne.'

Seaside calls..

Just by hearing your voice already made my day

I was happy for a while til I come to lay

Here in my bed I finally come to realized

You are my love, my joy, my tears

The most bittersweet sorrow I’ve ever felt

Like a star I can admire from afar but never could reach

No matter how long I gaze on upon this cold lonely night

Yet a star that brings me hope and smiles

And continues to be my companion this entire lonely night

But when the sun rises up in the east, your light is gone

It’s already another day, dreams are of the past

That spiteful rays outshines my dearest

So I struggle for another waking moment

secretly waiting for your shine

set upon me once again

Greets the moon with tender gay

Let me see your light again, my dearest star

And let tomorrow be for tomorrows

Until I wake up

Wake me up , wake me up