at nang nagself-pity ang isang bata..

i don't really want people to see my tears, let alone my lonely thoughts.. but i found myself in front of the computer, typing, typing what i really feel inside. No one knows me, same situation in this blog. i don't care what you will think of me when you read this, but to hell with it.. i signed up for this blog cuz i've seen it as an outlet.. however i think, whatever i write, how complicated i feel..they don't matter... just want to throw these all out.. in my 'trash can'

my life in my country was kinda like a puppet, like pinocchio.. i lived there for the reason of pleasing and making my loved ones happy.. so i tried to achieved what they wanted me to be.. but like pinocchio, back there, at least i had some freedom.. i even got to do what i really wanted to do.. have fun with my 'friends' but i think i had been unfair to them. Cuz of my commitment to my family,[they didn't force me anyway] i did not really share to them the real me. Well, maybe there was a time i did try. But i think i wasn't that lucky. For that, i am sorry. i tried to change, but i think i was just tired. Ang hirap kase saken, pag minahal ko na, madali na lang ako masaktan. As time passed by tuloy, i became cold. There were years too that i didn't even shed a single tear. I thought naging fully cynic and hard na talaga ako..

Back in the present, now i come to realized that in almost two years ive spent in this foreign country, it became worse. Why? Cuz i didn't even noticed the time passed by.. Yep, i am not that cold anymore. In fact, iyakin na ulet ako. I, again, feel the vulnerability i had during my elementary days. Maybe malaking factor ung napalapit na ulet ako sa Kanya.Of course i am happy im with my mum and lil brother here but i just realized too, that i did not have my own life anymore. Complicated na ano? Magulo talga ako magkwento. ^_^ I want to become successful here not because i really want to. Simple lang ako. I just don't want to let my mum down again after all the sacrifices she made for us. Of course, she's not forcing me but if you are really a good daughter, for the best mum in the world, you will also do everything. But sometimes, katulad ngayon, naiiyak ako. Especially pag nag-away kame ng bro ko sa walang kakwenta-kwentang bagay. My world is revolving around them. I don't have time for others. But i got to see my brother.. he has a girlfriend which is natural, he has close friends which i am happy for him.. but somtimes i feel lonely. whenever i have problems , lalo nga kung nag-away kame.. i don't have anyone. I am not the kind of person who is used to telling others how i feel. As ive said, i hate it when others see me crying. I cant tell my mum cuz i dnt want her to be upset. So my 'mimortal', pagtiyagaan mo ako ha.. im really pathetic. Mamaya, sa Kanya naman ako magsusumbong. hahah.. so iyon lang po.. Pasensya na.. patapon talga to. Sana may makapulot.. ^_^' That is His promise.. someday..