at may P.S. pala ako.. ^^

one post here in my blog was commented by one of my inspirations in writing again. Her name is Katrina. ^^ at ung sinabi niya e maxadong maganda at inspiring at totoo na utang ko na di man lang un i-post at ishare.. so eto na po un.. ^^

katrina said... 1. holding back doesn't always mean na hindi na yun 'love.' sometimes, "true" love has to wait, specially for God's chosen ones [that's us]. God's plan and timing are perfect, kaya if He keeps you from a relationship now, doesn't mean na He'll hold it away from you forever. Share ko sa'yo yung part sa isang book na nabasa ko which really struck me:
"The questions of when and with whom we pursue a relationship can be confusing and uncomfortable. Most of us would prefer not to face them. Walking by faith isn't our idea of fun. We want the discomfort and risk removed. Before we make a move, we want God to make the situation crystal clear. Do you see the problem? Our mindset is: "God, tell me WHO, tell me HOW, tell me WHEN - and then I'll trust You." What God wants us to see is that if He did this, our trust wouldn't be real. We want a definitive answer so we won't feel vulnerable, weak and dependent on Him. But guess what? We ARE vulnerable, weak and dependent on Him. And it's only when we realize our true condition that God can demonstrate His strength and love on our behalf."
-Joshua Harris, Boy meets Girl

She did not need to convince me.. She just helped me cleared my mind and be strong in my resolve ^^ tama ba un english ko? weheheheh..

Thanks, Kat. And yes, as for us, let's continue serving the Lord our only God. ^^

'ja matta ne' ^^

and when He answers me..

I got over him..and realized many things..I won't elaborate, I'm sorry cuz some words are better left unspoken..

One thing is for sure, I am contented right now. He gave me the best, and the best, I can say is what I really need. Thanks to Him.

I am now taking a blog leave, indefinite.. ^^ I don't know when I am going to post again.. I don't know if I am going to at all..Thanks for the time..Thanks for listening.. but as of now, I am contented. This purpose is already served. Let's praise the Lord with all our hearts.. ^^

pasensya na

hindi na ako magpapaligoy-ligoy pa. ang dahilan po ng aking pag-AWOL temporarily sa blogging world ay ang RO. Yes, as in Ragnarok Online. Sobra po akong na-adek, pasensya na po. Ngayon naman po ay mag ba-blog leave ulet ako.. This time, di na to RO. Ako po'y babalik sa aking lupang sinilangan.. heheh. Yey!! Kahit two weeks lang to.. susulitin ko to!! ito ang TUNAY na BAKASYON!! hahah.. Sa lahat po ng dumadaan sa blog ko, ay , pasensya na po.. pasensya na po talaga.. Daan po kayo ulet.. ^^

at nang matapos ang C2

"Regret is always in the end.."

And so they say.

I won't dawdle anymore.. just wanna write to my blog before I get a sleep..[late na rito.. may early class pa ko tom]

I had just finished my C2 exams. I had one hour and a half to answer 10 questions with a + b + c + d +....+ 'n' in it. It took me 1 hour and 15 minutes and i-did-not-bother-to-know-anymore seconds to finished answering the test paper. I don't usually skip any questions even if i don't know the answer but on that time, I did. I tried to answer the last 2 questions which were worth of 20 points but I really didn't have a clue on what to write or how to solve it. Reason? I did not finished revising the last 3 chapters of the C2 book. I didn't have any clue at all, honestly. First time, I think, I experienced to do something that I didn't have any idea at all.At all.

My verdict to the test? The test was partly easy. And to the geniuses around me, I think it was just a breeze. I thought I could get an A, even A*, but thanks to the last two questions, I am now worrying of even getting a passing grade. If I will get a C, I'll be up on the clouds. That's how I see my status right now.. heheh. I cannot ask God to give me an A now, can I? He does miracles, all right, but for me, I think we have to deserve them before we can get one. God is good and kind.. He is a loving father so He will not, ever, allow His children to just get what they want without working hard and learning real from it. This is my opinion.

So do I have regrets? Regretting that I did something not really worthwhile instead of revising the last 3 chapters? As of now, I can honestly say 'No.' I don't know if I will feel that way when I receive the results one month from now. Maybe yes. Maybe still no. I prefer the latter. I don't really want to regret anything. Feeling ko kase, tinatanggihan ko ang mga biyaya na ipinagkakaloob Niya sa akin. And I don't like it. I also don't want to blame. As long as I can, I don't want to blame anything or anyone if things just didn't went right, the way I wanted them to be, or the way I planned. Of course, I can get really disappointed, but I cannot change the past..We should just have to learn from it. And try to be truly glad and contented in the present and also try to do some more mistakes.^^ And use the things we learned in the near future to make our future brighter [waahhh... sobrang idealist ako ano..] Well, ganon talaga weh. The key word is learn. And be thankful He has given that oppurtunity to us. That is all there is to it. Right?

I hope after a month, when my C2 fate is revealed, I still have this wonderful feeling..

oh yeah, before i forgot, ill try to change it. HA! if ever that C2 will make me sad, ill make sure my remaining subjects are going to cheer me up. <> ^_^

at nang makapag-isip-isip ang bata.. ^^

"Nakokonsensya ako.."



I've been thinking again after hours of posting my last blog. I am feeling that I am ignoring again to be really thankful of God's blessings He is pouring everyday into my life. How can I say this? It is for the fact na dapat ay ikukuwento ko yung magandang nangyari sa akin last Wednesday ASAP. As in next to that blog STAT. But I didn't. Parang nabigo ko na naman tuloy Siya, un ang feeling ko. So sana, okay pang ihabol to bago ko magblog leave ulet for the end-of-the-school-year exams..



Okay, [breathe and concentrate first, feeling happy now]



Yun nga. I went to an assessment and interview for a college here near our area. Eventhough I was not that confident at all and I knew that my chance for getting a place is like 5%, I still gathered my guts and showed up. Why? It is for the reason I badly need to transfer to that college. My current college is too far [travel time by train is almost one hour plus another half hour by the bus.. lucky me kung wala pang traffic yun! ^^'] and if ever I can get a place to this college I am applying to, well, my travel time will be only 30 mins MAX! Just imagine the extra time I will get if ever. Plus my travel fee will be just half cuz I don't need the expensive train fee anymore. All of those plus the other advantages I won't mention anymore is depending in that late afternoon interview.



Problem: I know my chances were too small. I was not confident.



Reasons for lack of confidence:

1. I felt like[and btw still feel] didn't learn anything at all this year and a high score in the assessment was badly needed. You'll know why soon. So if I can, I have to prove to the assessors, or at least ^_^' pretend that I am a genius..


2. I am currently doing A-Levels. I am currently in my first year and for those who aren't familiar with the UK Ed. System, A-Level is a two-year level. AS and A2. To sum it up, it is really difficult to transfer to another college when you are at this level because of the many complicated reasons. I'll give you the major 2: different examination boards[highly likely your current one won't match to another college] and of course, the 'loyalty' aspect. The college's priority is their own students. Me?probably will be on the waiting list? waahh..
3. Just like last year, I don't have any reference at all. Why? I need my current teacher to be my reference and I cannot and am not stupid enough to ask my teacher to do a reference for me because I am planning to transfer to another college. No, no, no. Trying to picture it in my mind.. nOOO!!
4. Continuation of no.3.. If it was difficult last year to apply to AS year without any reference at all [I understand, they were just skeptical and wanted the best for their college], then this time, it will be waaaaayyyyy difficult than the last year. Maaannn...
5. etc. etc..

Why did I still show up?

Reason for my courage and guts:

HIM

I trust His plans always. I don't want to question His plans for me and I won't ever, ever [ill give not my best but my all] do ask Him why things are happening that way. Maybe there were a couple of times I tried to answer the reasons for the situation I was in, but still I didn't hate them. Those were the times that I realized I was the one who was not doing her best and therefore, the one that was lacking... reminding me the next time to do my very best. See. We lose but still, He's always giving prizes. For me, they were the lessons He carefully designed to treat my battle wounds.

So back to the 'courage and guts' issue. Of course, if I believe in Him, I need to do my part, too. Believing, I believe, is not enough. We need to take our actions, too. He'll pull His miracles, yes. But we need to fight for them, too. To prove ourselves to Him we are somehow worthy of the miracles, little or great.

That's why, however small my chance is, I did show up. With a smile. I was nervous and kinda losing confidence but I did my best, I believe. I just spoke to Him in my mind, if He's going to give this to me, I will be very thankful. If not, still thankful and understand that maybe, He still wants me to learn some things in my current school. Experiences and all.

4:00 pm Left the house a bit early.

4:31 pm arrived at the interview a bit early, waited for my turn [I was last..heheh]

4:45 pm did the assesment,

5:20 pm answered the interviewer's questions [feeling ko bibitayin na nila ako sa dami ng tanong],

5:40 waited again for the results.

5:48 ..

Finally, He answered. I got the place. Thank God! [so elated, happily singing while walking, crossing the road, not feeling any worry at all though running late at my Maths evening class.

Before going to sleep and after expressing eternal gratitude for His mercy, last thought: definitely have to share this to my blog first thing tomorrow..

Today

surf the net.read a quote. thought it would take long to elaborate the good news posted in the previous blog.attacked by laziness.posted questions instead.log out.shutted down pc.late at night turned it on again.

'Nakokonsensya ako..'

at isang blog question

I was kinda reading net stories [dunno if they're true-to-life or just fiction] this noon when i encountered a quote saying 'you don't have to wait for the right time or any time to tell someone you love him/her. cuz maybe, just maybe, there will be no next time at all.' I don't know why but I paused for a while and digested those sentences. Then questions were formed inside my mind which I am going to ask you now..

• what if you are not sure? Is it really love if you are holding back?
• do we really need to tell someone that we love them if we are not letting anything to happen after that..? eventhough we know that it won't make any difference at all?
• lastly, i will repeat the second question.. DO WE REALLY NEED TO TELL HIM/HER???

Well, it's just that, for me, i thought my idea was NO. I mean, sometimes, we don't have to. cuz sometimes, we are just being selfish by doing so. But i dunno now. When I read that quote, somehow, it made me doubt my answer to that. Aarrrggghhh... what a drag.. I am now thinking things a bit too much. Maybe I was knocked off by that last sentence.. and finally, last question swirling my thoughts: What are we going to do if we decided to tell them finally and there is really no next time this time?!? Aarrrggghhh!! what a drag quote..

at the time i am back on track, so thankful!!

:D i am back at last! and something good happened! Indeed, Big J is showering me blessings these past few days.. can't wait for the sad part.. hehehhe.. well, whtever it will be, it's definitely worth it. hmmm.. just blab the details next post.. for the meantime, just updating that i am really happy!

MOOD: SOOOO GLAD!!


^______________^

Away Mode:

waahh.. dito ko ngaun net cafe, tsira pc namen..

so idle muna .. heeehh miss ko na agad blog ko.. heheh..


at ngaun ko narerealize kung gano na ko nagiging adek sa pc.. hay...

well, another lesson learned..


pero magawa na sana .. heheheh

seeya guyz

ohayou!! murneng!!

just woke up.. wondering what's today's surprises will be.. mood: Being thankful to God for another life, another chance He gave..


isMayL tayong lahat. :D

'Balanga'

'Ano yun, Balanga?'

Missing you that time..

I called our friend and chatted for a while. Then she told me she's going to our 'tambayan'. I wished I could go with her but that is so 'miles away'. We are miles away from each other.. and i couldn't, cannot do anything about that. The phone was passed into our tropa's hands.. except yours. I told them i don't want to talk to you, to avoid issues reliving themselves.. we're already past beyond that.. i don't want to disturb that so-called 'peace' we already established.

I left you several times, yes. But u also did without knowing.. More times than I did. So maybe, what we have now is the better, the best. giving me this thought a tap. 'what we realy need is the best but the best is not always what we really want'. Human nature. Sometimes, i just want to do whatever makes me happy.. thank God He's doing His best to wake me up in every moment I am being selfish. I know u understand me, that's why eventhough u said u didn't want to, u still let me go. I thought I let you go first, but when the moment u did let go, I was hurt that I wanted to cry. I did manage not to shed those tears, I laughed, but still I was hurting inside.

Getting over you? Yeah, congratulate me for that, 'hoy' After these years, I did. Thanks to the distance we have now.

'O gusto ka raw kausapin. Ibibigay ko ha?' said our tropa's Ate.

'Oy wag, may masabi na naman sila jan. Wag ganon. Saka na lang siguro.' I replied.

But she didn't hear me cuz she was already talking to you and the next thing I knew, I was already curious of what I've heard from her.

'Bakit ayaw mo kausapin? Kunwari pa to!' that's what she said referring to you.

'Huh? Ayaw mo rin ako kausapin? Why?' Those are the questions I asked in my mind. Our friends were excited talking to me, telling me the latest happenings..news.. lovelifes.. even rumours.. but I couldn't understand all of them anymore. My mind was already occupied. Of you.

Phone card was expired. Sudden urge to call again and ask. But hell, no.

That was 2 days ago.

'Ano yun, Balanga??'

Called again today. For the first time in almost 2 years without communication, I heard your voice. Not talking to me, but just in the background. Felt my heart skipped a beat. Heard its beat growing loud. Ptsk. I am back to square one. Wondering if I ever was really over you. Found myself smiling.. playing that 3-word sentence from you inside my mind, over and over again, without me wanting to. Guess I am really pathetic huh?

Missing you this time.

i am wondering now if i really stop missing you.. maybe yes, maybe no.

Getting over you? Guess the answer will have to wait til I see you again, huh?

'Ja matta ne.'

Seaside calls..

Just by hearing your voice already made my day

I was happy for a while til I come to lay

Here in my bed I finally come to realized

You are my love, my joy, my tears

The most bittersweet sorrow I’ve ever felt

Like a star I can admire from afar but never could reach

No matter how long I gaze on upon this cold lonely night

Yet a star that brings me hope and smiles

And continues to be my companion this entire lonely night

But when the sun rises up in the east, your light is gone

It’s already another day, dreams are of the past

That spiteful rays outshines my dearest

So I struggle for another waking moment

secretly waiting for your shine

set upon me once again

Greets the moon with tender gay

Let me see your light again, my dearest star

And let tomorrow be for tomorrows

Until I wake up

Wake me up , wake me up

at nang nagself-pity ang isang bata..

i don't really want people to see my tears, let alone my lonely thoughts.. but i found myself in front of the computer, typing, typing what i really feel inside. No one knows me, same situation in this blog. i don't care what you will think of me when you read this, but to hell with it.. i signed up for this blog cuz i've seen it as an outlet.. however i think, whatever i write, how complicated i feel..they don't matter... just want to throw these all out.. in my 'trash can'

my life in my country was kinda like a puppet, like pinocchio.. i lived there for the reason of pleasing and making my loved ones happy.. so i tried to achieved what they wanted me to be.. but like pinocchio, back there, at least i had some freedom.. i even got to do what i really wanted to do.. have fun with my 'friends' but i think i had been unfair to them. Cuz of my commitment to my family,[they didn't force me anyway] i did not really share to them the real me. Well, maybe there was a time i did try. But i think i wasn't that lucky. For that, i am sorry. i tried to change, but i think i was just tired. Ang hirap kase saken, pag minahal ko na, madali na lang ako masaktan. As time passed by tuloy, i became cold. There were years too that i didn't even shed a single tear. I thought naging fully cynic and hard na talaga ako..

Back in the present, now i come to realized that in almost two years ive spent in this foreign country, it became worse. Why? Cuz i didn't even noticed the time passed by.. Yep, i am not that cold anymore. In fact, iyakin na ulet ako. I, again, feel the vulnerability i had during my elementary days. Maybe malaking factor ung napalapit na ulet ako sa Kanya.Of course i am happy im with my mum and lil brother here but i just realized too, that i did not have my own life anymore. Complicated na ano? Magulo talga ako magkwento. ^_^ I want to become successful here not because i really want to. Simple lang ako. I just don't want to let my mum down again after all the sacrifices she made for us. Of course, she's not forcing me but if you are really a good daughter, for the best mum in the world, you will also do everything. But sometimes, katulad ngayon, naiiyak ako. Especially pag nag-away kame ng bro ko sa walang kakwenta-kwentang bagay. My world is revolving around them. I don't have time for others. But i got to see my brother.. he has a girlfriend which is natural, he has close friends which i am happy for him.. but somtimes i feel lonely. whenever i have problems , lalo nga kung nag-away kame.. i don't have anyone. I am not the kind of person who is used to telling others how i feel. As ive said, i hate it when others see me crying. I cant tell my mum cuz i dnt want her to be upset. So my 'mimortal', pagtiyagaan mo ako ha.. im really pathetic. Mamaya, sa Kanya naman ako magsusumbong. hahah.. so iyon lang po.. Pasensya na.. patapon talga to. Sana may makapulot.. ^_^' That is His promise.. someday..

at nang maglaho ang mga inhibitions..

B: I love you. Mahal kita. Mahal na mahal na mahal. Ikaw lang talaga. Kahit gaano katagal, maghihintay ako. Basta wag lang ung ganito.
G: .....
B: Minahal mo ba ako kahit man lang konti?
G: ...............
B: Mahal talaga kita..
G: ....

5 mins left..
Nako naman.. wala na ba talaga akong panahong ikwento ang istoryang ito?

Shut down your computer now and quietly leave the room.
'Yes, Sir!' Naman talaga uh.. wala, wala na talaga. Kung kelan nasa mood ako para bigyan ng ending tong nilulumot ng istoryang to.. sige na nga.

For editing later..

Then she left..without saying a word..without him knowing if she's leaving for good, if she's leaving his life for real, or if she's gonna return to give life to his dreams again..

no promises.. with tears falling .. she left.

iipit na ang bookmark.. tulog muna tayo.. ^^

at sa wakas!

At un nga! at sa wakas, nakita ko rin ung kanta na pinagpupuyatan kong hanapin sa net!! woohoo!! champagne na, mga pre! heheh! jowks lang.

At muli ko na namang napatunayan na totoo talaga ang golden kasabihan na 'pag hinahanap mo, mahirap talaga makita. Subukan mong tigilan, magpapakita sa'yo." Agree talaga ako rito. Kasi most of the times talaga, it is true. Lalo na ung kandagigil ka na sa kahahanap, dugo't pawis na ang ibinuhos mo [eksaj na naman.. ], lalo namang di magpapakita, lalong magtatago, lalong magpapakipot. Pag tinigilan mo naman, tingnan mo, parang nagpapapansin na bigla mo na lang makikita sa tabi mo. Ewan ko talaga. Bakit nga kaya ganun? Kumusta naman kaya sila noh?

At tulad nga ng kantang un, kung kelan nga tinigilan ko na[mind u, di uso sa akin ang giving up, mahilig ako sa challenge kaya lang nasagad na ko weh] saka naman biglang may nagsend sa akin kahit di 'ko hinihingi. May paparinig lang raw sa akin na song. Tingnan ko raw kung maganda. Naks! Nang tumugtog na, walastik, syet! na lang nasabi ko. Tingnan mo talaga ang pagkakataon nuh? Astig talaga.

At kaya nga sa mga taong naghahanap jan, pag narindi na kayo, subukan nyo toh. Umupo kayo sa isang tabi, o kaya, do something else. Keep ur mind busy. Ung parang di mo na naiisip na kanina lang eh kandagigil ka na sa kahahanap, ung talagang totally mabubuhay ka ng wala un.. tingnan mo talaga.. bigla na lang susulpot un. Minsan sa di mo inaasahang lalagyan, o kaya sa pinakakaraniwang lugar, sa tabi mo.. minsan kasi, baka bulag na rin tayo. o masyado na lang makakalimutin. naks, walang ganon.. hahah..

at the moment..

Life is Like a Boat

Nobody knows who I really am
I never felt this empty before
And if I ever need someone to come along,
Who's gonna comfort me, and keep me strong?

We are all rowing the boat of fate
The waves keep on coming and we can't escape
But if we ever get lost on our way
The waves would guide you through another day

dooku de iki o shiteru toomei ni natta mitai
kudayami ni omoe dakedo mekaku shisarete tadake
inori o sasagete atarashii hi o matsu
asayaka ni hikaru umi sono hate made

Nobody knows who I really am
Maybe they just don't give a damn
But if I ever need someone to come along
I know you would follow me, and keep me strong

hito no kokoro wa utsuriyuku mukedashiteku naru
tsuki wa mada atarashii shuuki de mune o tsureteku

And every time I see your face
The ocean heaves up to my heart
You make me wanna strain at the oars, and soon
I can see the shore

Oh, I can see the shore
When will I see the shore?
I want you to know who I really am
I never thought I'd feel this way towards you

And if you ever need someone to come along,
I will follow you, and keep you strong

tabi wa mada tsuzuiteku odayakana hi mo
tsuki wa mata atarashii shuuki de ume o terashidasu
inori o sasagete atarashii hi o matsu
asayaka ni hikaru umi sono hate made

And every time I see your face
The ocean heaves up to my heart
You make me wanna strain at the oars, and soon
I can see the shore

Unmei no huneoko gi nami wa tsugi kara tsuki e to watashi-tachi o sou kedo
Sore mo suteki na tabi ne, dore mo suteki na tabi ne

------------------------------------------------

There. I thought my first ever entry to this blog was a lil something about me. Guess I was wrong huh. n_n Well, that was really my plan from the start cuz well, this blog maybe will be of different things, but the centrepoint although might not so be, is all about me. But as we can see, as fickleminded as I am, it turned out to be wrong.

The song is about Bleach. It doesn't have any impact on me , or maybe not yet. But that is what I am doin at the mo. Starting to watch Bleach. The story plot I read was nothing, just ordinary. But I became interested after hearing the 1st ending song, which is above. It was nice, I thought.

And also, this anime is a bit comical, I think. I saw the male protagonist kicked the female protagonist. Imagine that?!? He deliberately kicked her on her back!! My reaction was, 'What the heck was that?!?' and then I laughed. This is going to be fun cuz clearly he's not an all-dramatic-love-hero. Ha ha. And the girl is also tough. Yay!

Alright, I know, I know. This is all crap. But hey, what is my blog caption? This is trash!


Har-har!